I am in pain. I am reasonably sure this would constitute "self-inflicted" pain, although I can not claim a lot of responsibility over it...noble as I'd love to be.
A friend's 7-month old daughter is dying. She has just relapsed with terminal leukemia of some rare sort.
Laura and I grew up together, straight through high school. We were in the same group of friends, peripherally, although I'd have to admit she wasnt my favorite person in the group. I found her weak and whiny, sulky almost to get the boys (although with hindsight I think I was too judgemental).
Now I read the updates on her blog. I am absolutely blown away by the strength and grace she is showing. I know a blog only shows a small part of one's life, but I cant imagine having the fortitude to be as together as she seems for even a moment. Its likely that I am a new, plenty-emotional mom myself...this hits way too close to home. But beyond that, its hard for me to imagine a worse pain. This dear little baby girl has been born. Unlike a horrible miscarriage, laura has come to know and bond with Emily, especially over the 5 months before she was diagnosed...and likely in new ways as the little trooper has waged a good fight for her life. That alone is humbling.
At the same time, at this precious young age, we are only getting an inkling of what our child can become...just a tease and lots of guessing. Its about potential more than realization still. Its full of awe and wonderment...largely because we expect to see the mystery unfold and develop. To be teased with this, then have the child die is absolutely heartbreaking for me to even think about. I am actually in pain.
When I watched the events of Sept.11 unfold on TV, I wondered -much as I do now- about what I could ever do. Beyond monetary donations, blood donations, cards and sentiments...I feel helpless. Part of me just believes this is being human, and as an overly sensitive person I need to just deal with that. But I also decided on that day that I would NOT deal with it by shutting it out. If it were my (or a loved ones') last moment...I would want someone to feel for me...more than just leave me an anonymous statistic. So, I sat and I felt...and I cried and cried. I doubt it directly helped anyone, but it made me feel we were a community together...just a little. I cared, and that had to count for something, somewhere (beyond my own life)...right? Who knows.
So again, I am doing the obligatory motions to Laura and her family. And I truly give and mean them with heartfelt compassion. But I feel obligated to feel; to not shut off this pain. So, I hurt.
I am becoming overwrought with discomfort over this. I keep imagining Laura's pain. I get queesy. Sure, I hug my own son a little closer...but that's for me and for him, not Laura or Emily. And I am wondering if there is any good in agonizing for them. I mean, there is no direct benefit for them...and is there even an indirect one? I cant decide if I want to dig into any religious tenets about this one or not...I have been tempted to do my own prayer for them, again skeptical it matters.
Or is my temptation to abandon this vigil just because it is profoundly inconvenient and uncomfortable? Then I'd just be a wimp. But I dont want to be a useless martyr.
I simply want to put it out into the universe that I care. I want to carry a tiny bit of Laura's pain on MY back...if only it could help her. I want to find some cosmic way to hug, hold and give them some of my love. It aches. My heart is breaking...I have cried the last 3 nights over this. I dont want to know that anyone -ever or anywhere- feels the agony I imagine for this situation.
I have known my own pain...and I have thought it to be considerable when it has weighed me down. Even then I theoretically knew there was greater pain...even if it couldnt momentarily imagine it. But I am positive I have never known that pain. Selfishly, I pray I never do.
Maybe this is my own struggle (cause its all about me, isnt it? I think that's actually pathetic here). What I call over-sensitive might be a chosen denial about things this sad. I want to remain naive and protect the world against it. Maybe I need to get over that and toughen to the "shit happens" callousness I see in other people. But I dont want to be one of them...I actually think there is a certain strength in feeling this much. But, perhaps its simply wasteful...Laura is hurting regardless.
I'm just struggling. Helplessness, agony, empathy, selfishness. I found a necklace (mother & child) I wanted to buy for Laura. But, then, I worried it would be inappropriate...perhaps salt on a gaping wound? I was imagining what I would want...symbols to cling to. But I'm not close to Laura, and I'm more afraid of adding to her hurt than anything...so I hiding behind what Reusker calls "a need to be appropriate."
Maybe I'll just ask you all to send positive energy out to Laura, Emily and John...in whatever form you do such things. Pray, chant, meditate, sing...whatever. Let me know if you think it helps. In the meantime, hopefully I'll find a productive vehicle for all this caring...
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