I'm down HERE!

"Fellowship"

OK, after promising Jeff that I would post about the BabyShower -nay- Bible study....I have forgotten!  All I really remember is not wanting to go in the first place, planning to leave early, then finding myself trapped and the focal point of a major religious event.

My mother had just arrived to visit.  I like my neighbor, but dont have anything in common with her or know any of her friends.  Besides, on their very best days...I still hate baby showers.  I didnt even enjoy my own.  All this girlie "oooh" and "aaah"...pretending to care.  I thought motherhood might change my perspective about it, but it hasnt.  If anything I am realizing how much precious time I am wasting for someone else who would probably be happy just getting the present (although she did enjoy being the center of attention).

So imagine my horror when everyone keeps talking about GOD.  About how even a small house is OK, because TheLord dwells in infinite space.  On and On.  We hold hands and say a prayer for the presents, for the people, for the food.  Fine, I bow my head and go along.  But when the maternal figure of the party decides *I* need some preaching...things get truly ugly.  I sat through a 45 minute sermon.  I had planned to leave early, but my car was blocked in, as was my person.  I am pretty sure I am the only one who didnt say "praise the Lord" that evening, and I am equally sure they find me to be a heretic.  Fine.  It was honestly one of the very most painful three hours of my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Baby turns 12 weeks old on Thanksgiving! 

Doh!

Ok, I'm an idiot...but its funny sometimes.

Baby and I try to do a little shopping yesterday.  Let me preface by saying I am anti-Mall.  We've managed to avoid the Mall (except Sears, of course, needed a washer-dryer!) since moving here.  And, this is the largest shopping area in the entire STATE!  but I dont need to go wasting our money.  I just think they are trash pits for the most part.

Anyways, we venture in yesterday.  We take the escalator upstairs at Hechts.  PEOPLE!  DO NOT TAKE A STROLLER UP AN ESCALATOR!!!  How stupid can I be?  I forget things are different now...I basically have to use the handicap access for everything.  And I FORGET this???  Unbelievable.

What's scary is that you dont realize you have a problem until AFTER the stairs start to unfold!  Then only half the stroller is supported, and your dear son is harnessed inside what will soon be his Death Missile!  panic sets in.  I grab the entire stroller and just hold for dear life...my dear's life.  Then I start listing backwards...now BOTH our lives are in jeopardy.  I gather, collect, and see Baby cooing in delight.  This HAS to be a scene from some movie.  All the while, I am trying not to show him -or the perpetually appearance-conscious southerners- that everything might fall.  How does one carry an armful of stroller up an escalator with grace and aplomb? 

I figured I'd just smile a lot.

We made it, and I asked where the elevator was for the return trip.  Man, that was SO much easier  (even if I had to drive us out to the bowels of the department store!).  Baby survived it all with only the bangs from my steering into displays...and he loves that anyways.

We get out to the car.  I still fumble through the script of: remove carseat-leave stroller-put carseat in car-fold stroller and put in trunk (or return cart, but leave baby in car?)-and eventually get my own tail ready to drive.  No tragic (or even funny) stories on this script yet, but its ripe for stories....as is my car.

Lest anyone miss stories of my decrepit Mitsubeastie...I talked my Reusker into downgrading from an Audi S4 (is that the beefy one?) to a 10-year-old Infiniti, which is on her last miles.  Brilliant, eh?  Until yesterday.  The trunk -favored stroller storage spot- has been sticking.  It bent my key a few times (and I'm not being hulkish with it, really).  Well yesterday my key BROKE!  So the fact that we have only ONE car, and I cant drive it...not good.

I have hidden house keys everywhere, knowing I will lock myself out with some regularity (but have I? not yet).  But no extra car keys within grasp.  Reusker WALKS to work, so he doesnt have a car key handy.  And my cell phone is almost out of juice.  Again: no good.

Reusker -on a VERY busy day at work (thank gawd he wasnt in Miami!!)- had to walk home, get key, walk back to work and bum a ride from a subordinate...to the MALL!  Yup, how humiliating.  "my wife bought us a cheap car that broke...and she's at the mall this afternoon". 

All the while I am thinking that if I lived at home (Maine), I could just call any number of family or friends...no big deal.  The OTHER things I am thinking about are:

1.) if Baby wakes up hungry, am I going to have to feed him at the Mall entrance?  Hello La Leche!

2.)how do I get smoke signals to Reusker after my cell phone dies?  I dont know his phone number (remember, I dont know my own!)...not that I could see it to write the number down...the phone's screen is completely blank (broken a long time ago).  Shit, why didnt I get a new phone?  He'll never find me.  Maybe I should go get my hair cut to kill time.

3.)thank gawd I didnt drop my baby down the escalator

That blank slate...

I have lived here for a full three and a half months...

and I still need to look up my own phone number.  crap.  Do you have any idea how many times I've written it down...how many new home forms, baby papers, etc?  MILLIONS!

The Story

A full 3 months ago, DogsDontPurr asked me how -after a long silence and nonblogging- did I end up in Tennessee?  I *finally* have time to answer:

I cant remember where things were when I stopped blogging...I was likely bitching about Reusker being in Miami and me being sick on the sofa (morning sickness). Reusker's company's headquarters are in Miami. We were *supposed* to move down there. And at 3+ months pregnant, I wanted to leave my family and friends for that wretched place like I wanted my feet cut off! But, it was a dream job for Reusker, so I was trying to be TheGoodWife (although it was killing me). Living apart (him in Miami, me in Maine) was also very hard so early in our marriage and pregnancy. But again, great opportunity for Reusker.

We looked for a place to live in Miami. I gave the excursion 5 years, no more. Miami is a GREAT city to visit, really....but no good for permanent residence. This was right around the time there was a string of child abductions there (Jessica Lundsford et al) and TONS of crime. It freaked me out, pregnant and all. Then we realized it would cost $500K that we did not have...just to find a dinky home. Things looked really bad. Meanwhile, I am in serious nesting mode...homeless and usually husbandless. Late last spring was U-G-L-Y.

About that time Reusker's company was in talks to buy a subsidiary (almost a merger, it was so large) and Reusker might be able to move his department to this new site, near Nashville. Although I am NO FAN of the south, anything was better than Miami. We decided we could live in this area...but his company would not commit to where they wanted him. On top of the lie about how he would never have to travel in this job (a major criteria for me), the company was making things really hard on us. Finally we just took our best bet and decided we'd move to the Nashville area...we desperately needed to get settled before the baby arrived. If his company bailed on the merger, we'd just have to cross that bridge then...we didnt have time to wait/waste.

As much as getting old and childless is a loudly ticking clock...an impending delivery date and home-unknown (between three states) is even louder and more unnerving!

We started house-hunting in May, hoped to move by July 1...about 6 weeks before baby was due. We had a house all lined up, and the very day we were due to close (and the movers had literally packed up our lives the very.same.day)...the deal fell through. The sellers were total assholes, and I'll spare you the details and mold stories...but suffice it to say I was devastated. Everything had gone so far beyond my patience level: I really didnt want to move, I wanted to be near my family and friends, I didnt want to be preggers and newlywed without Reusker even one more day, and I wanted a home before the baby came...or at least SOMEWHERE to live. And did I mention hormones? 

Worse yet, after the movers hauled all our stuff away and we arranged for it to be put in temporary storage (at no small expense!)...they tell us we will NOT have access to any of it! So, unless we get a home before baby comes (again, TICKING!)...all the baby's stuff will be locked away! We had no idea all of this would transpire when we *thought* we were packing for our new home! (this reminds me how much I *HATE* those miserable, untrustworthy, bible-hugging seller-assholes!)

Long story-short...Reusker held it together, we dumped our miserable realtor, and we hit the streets ourselves. We went to every available open house while we stayed at a furnished apartment for 2 months. We found a FSBO (for sale by owner) home and sealed the deal...no realtors on either side, we even wrote our own sale contract! We loved the home -and paid a premium for it- but everything is cheap here.

The movers brought our stuff HOURS after the closing...the very day I started dilating with the baby! Reusker's company DID buy the subsidiary, and Reusker was able to move his operations here...job saved! And the former owners are still our friends (even though they *did* mislead us about a few minor details, they generally did right by us in the deal).

The next 3 weeks were a mad race between my home and my progression towards labor (I was still unpacking as I was 3cm, then 5cm, then 7cm dilated over the next few weeks!). Then -after weeks of "any minute now" and all the signs the baby was IMMINENT- his due date came and went!! The entire thing was absolutely a freak of nature. The mucus plug is supposed to pass within 48 hours of delivery...for us it was 3 weeks! I got all the way to 7cm (in 4 painless weeks) before labor began. It was crazy. Where we initially BEGGED Baby not to be early...we ended up hoping he would hurry up and arrive (those last days can be agony). We had all the signs that he -unlike almost every other first child- WOULD come early...and after weeks of harried preparations, the waiting began to kill us. In the end he was 4 days late (and would have been more if not for some midwife tricks).  Those last days are physically and emotionally hard on most people...but we had had such an insane time AND been on unusually high pins-and-needles for WEEKS, not hours.  It was exhausting. ANd wouldnt you know the bugger would come last thing in the day, after an entirely sleepless week.  I have never -even after all the sleepless nights since- EVER been so dead exhausted as BEFORE the labor even began!  And none of this 20-minutes-apart.  MY labor pains started 2 minutes apart, and STAYED like that.  So, one minute of pain...one minute to try to breath before the pain resumed.  When someone tells you she had X hours of labor...it means nothing without knowing how far apart the contractions are.  Were there 3 contractions an hour...or THIRTY?

Two facts lead us to believe it would be a fast labor: I was SO far along (7+cm, 100% effaced) for days before "real" labor even started. And the fact that my own birth (also a first child) happened VERY quickly. My mom had me in the CAR...on the way to the hospital. For that reason, Reusker knew how to birth a baby (for real!).  We -all birthing experts included- were convinced we wouldnt make the 15 miles to Vanderbilt Hospital! But NOOOooooo....my baby had to take his time. Not the 20min delivery my mother had (that would have been FINE with me!)...it took us 16 painful hours! And -let me tell you- contractions at 3cm are ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like contractions at 9cm. They call 7-10cm "transition" and it is the most painful, but fastest (average 45min) part of labor. Yup...I spent SIXTEEN HOURS there! Did I mention they were 2 min apart the entire time?  I didnt even have time to start WALKING or lay down...another one was there!  I could breath through one, but the next was upon me before I could recover.  It was insane. 

I made it 14 without drugs and then died...almost literally. And I hadnt left myself a lot of extra time for the anesthesiologists to get there...I was in desperate need of remedy the very.moment I gave in to meds!  And did I care that I was completely naked when the team of men arrives?  NOOOO!  Reusker says it was amazing how "back in the game" I was after the epidural...and its virtually unheard-of to get an epidural at 9cm, but we did! Oh...and Reusker did the actual delivery of our son...very cool!

So in early September we came home to our new home, in our new town, with our new son. We came home to a full house of 6 with our families visiting (which only made for more work, but we appreciated the gesture).

And here -more than 11 weeks later- we are still mostly unpacked, only a little less sleep deprived (yes, he just started sleeping through the night: a full 5-6 hours), and fully as happy as I have ever even IMAGINED being. Who'da guessed?

(yes, JB, I *will* post about being trapped at the Bible Baby Shower from hell!....later)

Mommy's Mommy...

Now my mom is on her way.  I am really looking forward to seeing her...and perhaps getting a little much-needed help, so we could sleep a few extra hours.  Not sure about the last part, as she likes to tell me "this is MY vacation" (read: no work for my mom)...but I can hope.  C'mon, I gave her the grandson, could she PLEASE take a shift somewhere?  She probably will.  In fact, Reusker has already booked a hotel room for Saturday night, in hopes.  We also have tickets to the Predators hockey game...ah, the romance! 

Mostly, I'm worried that my mom can get rather riteous about how things SHOULD be done.  Its really easy to be an armchair quarterback in all of this parenthood stuff...complete with a beautiful bouquet of judgement.  I know I did it before walking in these shoes...I'll admit it. And this is one thing I do not like being judged on (who am I kidding there?).  I think I am very good at it, and take it very personally...its the most important thing in the world to me. 

Mom knows she also gets very PollyAnna when I want to bitch.  I hate it, all the cheer in my face in an attempt to manipulate my attitude or tone for her comfort.  I dont want to change my tone.  Its just venting (see almost any post I've ever written, right?).  But she finds it disturbing. What she doesnt see is that I find some of HER habits disturbing, but manage to keep my mouth shut about them.  I know, big surprise.  Really, its just family dynamics.  But, I find it hard to stay respectful and non-ulcerated when she gives commentary on me without any humility of her own.  So, hopefully she'll be more easygoing than I fear...keep your fingers crossed. 

She was just about the best mother in the world, and my only real parent...and I love and credit her with everything I am (not a compliment, say you?).  Its just gotten harder the last few years, as both our lives have changed a LOT.  I really am extremely appreciative (I am SO much more appreciative TO her than this post would indicate)...but I also need a little respect FROM her, in addition to that which I need to give.  And I need to exercise better boundaries...probably share a little LESS with her...especially when I the stuff that will bite me in the tail.

So, my mantra for this week is:  "just AGREE".  Just agree, smile, and it makes everything go better.  But, most of you know me...

wish me luck.

Awesome weekend

Since getting pregnant -even before that- it has been a goal of mine to have an active family, not slowed down by a smaller member (I mean baby, not any anatomical remark!!).  When Baby came, I really, really wanted to go camping VERY early in his life...like in the first month.  Its not QUITE as crazy as it sounds...he was actually more manageable (and more protected by Mama Lion) in the beginning.  But, we were inundated with family, friends and company in general...so it just didnt happen.

Well, at 9 weeks of age, Baby Reusker went camping...last weekend.  I was psyched to get a warm night so late in the season.  We drove the historic Natchez Trace Parkway.  This follows an early Native American footpath that later became the major commerce route from Nashville to New Orleans.  You can still see the original route, and we walked part of it.  Its also where Meriwether Lewis (Lewis & Clark) died, so we took in some history as well. 

I was prepared to leave in the middle of the night, if necessary.  A nylon tent gives no sound barrier in shared camping areas...and the other campers shouldnt be subjected to Baby's screams, if it happened.  For him, he'd get exactly the same treatment from us in a tent or at home...just with one more layer of pajamas on him.  Despite my willingness to take the risk...it was a BREEZE (literally)...he slept very well.  BUT...we had a tornado!  Another thing a nylon tent is fairly useless for! 

I was SO nervous all night...convinced the random branch was going to fall on us and kill my baby or husband.  But, I discounted my thoughts...chalking them up to that new mom sense of vulnerability I perpetually enjoy (not!).  I should have known...I'm an experienced camper, and that was NOT normal wind!  Man, acorns are LOUD!  But we survived them and some rain, with nothing worse than a great story to tell.

We also visited Hohenwald, TN...town history forgot.  We had a great dinner at a Mexican hole in the wall, and returned the next morning for the nearby diner...complete with many toothless locals, all interested in us.  It was really very cool...and just the best weekend ever.

neighbors...

Ok, just to prove what a bitch I really am...neighbors are being SO kind to us.  Remember those white trash neighbors I complained about the other day?  They are blowing and raking their leaves.  Bitch that I am, I say to myself "they better not be blowing those leaves on OUR lawn!".  Then Laura comes over to ask if she could rake our lawn while they're out there.  Crap!  Very sweet.  She said it was because I watched their dog the other day when he got loose.  I have to admit, I looked down on them for letting their dog run in the street. I took him in, let him have free run of our house (while Baby and I followed, worried he would mark OUR territory), and called her at work...worried she'd think I was messing in her business or being a bad neighbor.  I was just trying to help...and she was very greatful.  So, for all my mean thoughts about them...so far, so good.

Fate r(or irony?) eally is biting me in the ass lately...

I kid you NOT...I really AM an idiot.

I accidently saw that I had put the post BELOW on the wrong blog.  No joke...over 2 hours later, I see that it was posted to the Baby's blog.  Shit.  I wonder just how many people read that.  Suits me right, doesnt it?

I truly can not remember my own (new) phone number...what business do I have trying to keep two blogs straight? 

suburbia drag

So I say all the sweet things about my baby on HIS site.  Here I just bitch.  I bitch here, so I can seem less bitchy at his site...so his admirers will *think* I am nice (ha ha ha...I can hear my conscience laughing now).

So here's today's suburbia bitch:  social obligations. 

Most people who know me dont consider me much for following social mores and all.  Yes, yes, yes...contrary to what most of you think, I actually DO get them...just chose to ignore them.  I dont CARE if the PC crowd finds me "unrefined" or even vulgar or classless.  I'm really not, I know that...and there are plenty of people who see the other extreme (think me a snob).  There's just no pleasing everyone, so I usually just let my swaying moods call the moment.  Sure, there are sometimes costs to that, but it has been worth it.

So here I am in tightly-constrained, religious-right suburbia...with all its "appropriate" social rules.  Ok, I let my yard go.  I have a newborn, and I dont give a shit about your "yard of the month" awards.  Prestigious my ass (and it is).

But, I'm also relatively friendless here.  I have friends in 3-4 houses on my street, 3-4 around town,  about half a dozen friends in Nashville...and several more "acquaintences" I could call upon.  None of these are as close (or like me) as my Maine friends...no surprise there. 

But, outside of this new-mom quietness I have (part peace, part exhaustion)...I am a fairly social and chatty chick.  So, even if these arent my best, die-hard friendships...I'd like to keep them.  But DAMN!  if girlie-girl friendships down here arent a HELL of a lot more work to maintain!  I can ignore my homies forever, and we're all still together.  Not here...people get hurt and sad...and that's more work in the long run.  So, now I have relationship obligations to maintain.

Maybe everyone has these...I've just chosen to ignore them in the past.  I'm sure that created a selection in my pool of friends, and I was cool with that.  And now, having less energy to give, and not knowing these people well...I find it a pain in the ass.

So, I am begrudgingly going on neighborhood walks (barely walking, if you ask me...THIS doesnt count as real exercise)...having the most boring conversations in my life...and trying to be more considerate than I really am.  Remember, I've got a reckless bitchy streak.  And I find "Mother talk" mind-numbingly boring...GET A LIFE!  I dont even have an exciting life, and I have better things to talk about. 

I have often been the "character" in the crowd.  I know that isnt a compliment, and I dont care...it was true.  I'm a spotlight hog and can cross my boundaries if I want to.  I'm interesting, and dont mind entertaining others. 

But now *I* want to be boring.  I want to enjoy this peaceful place in my life and mind.  I dont want to create drama...even in conversation.  I barely want to bitch lately (shocking, I know...I'm just frickin HAPPY, get over it). 

So will SOMEONE PLEASE entertain ME?  Come on...I am conversationally BORED TO DEATH.  I really need to find a freak to laugh at...there HAS to be one here. 

But, alas, I have to go to these freakless obligations.  There is a baby shower (for a second child, no less!).  I didnt really even GET a shower, and he is my FIRST baby.  OK...bitter.  And there's the baby birthday party.  My son doesnt even know he has HANDS...and we have to go to the kids' gym?  Shoot me now.  There are useless phonecalls "just to see how you are" that I have to return.  I'm just bored with it...and shy.

I'm crazy.  We moved to suburbia expressly because we didnt want me, as an isolated stay-at-home mom, to feel lonely.  We feared post-partum. I'm sure I'd be even less social if we'd bought the 6-acre home I loved.  But, I'm happier than I've EVER been in my life...and I could have been without obligations.  But, we didnt know things would turn out so well, and that THIS would be my curse.

The curse of these truly kind-hearted, considerate, sometimes wonderful obligations.