Long one: mother in law.

Ok, more to bitch about.  This is what happens when I say everything is perfect, right?  I jinx it.  Apparently not just for me, but...

Reusker's mom.  Let me start by saying I love the woman.  She is riddled with frustrating faults, but arent we all? 

She smokes beyond belief, and expects everyone to embrace it ("why dont you cool the car down for us, while I "do my nails" in the back yard").  She does not cook, but looks to be taken out to eat at every opportunity...and she only eats the most fattening crap.  We get suckered into "fine cuisine" at The Cracker Barrel with every visit...regailed by tales of chicken-fried steak, lard-laden gravy and fritters of all kinds.  Essentially the woman's body is a ticking time bomb, and for all her whining about being fat, she takes no responsibility for her own health.

She is unwilling to learn to use a computer (much) and actually thinks the pinky-up-in-the-air plea (with childlike helplessness) is CHARMING!  I am positive it is a major contributor to both of her last bouts of unemployment...she has been fired twice in the last 2 years.  It doesnt help that she is very lazy, with a strong sense of entitlement.

I take the resentful remarks in stride:  "well *I* didnt get to just stay home and relax with my babies."  I know she doesnt want to work, has no spouse for love and support, and feels cheated by life (which is certainly not her own doing, right?).  I listen quietly as she begroans that her son -my loving husband- abandoned her when he was 13 and chose to live with his father.  She doesnt connect it to her lack of mothering, emotional unavailability, or selfishness.  She simply doesnt understand why he wont embrace all her bad decorating ideas and watch HG-TV with her.  No, she does NOT want to learn about his interests or career...

But she has a good heart.  She attempts to be helpful, and knows when to be quiet (unlike my other inlaws).  Most of all, she is very honest.  But she is spoiled.  She has to have everything just.so (right down to what shape bottles she will drink from, even as a guest).  She needs a new, clean towel several times a day...somehow related to putting on her makeup.  She arrives with TWO, full suitcases of makeup...regardless of her trip.  Its amazing.

She hates her mother.  All the two of them do is bitch about each other.  And, its mean.  For as much as a brat as I can be, I wouldnt dream of this kind of relationship with ANYONE.  Talk about toxic.  And her mother is 80, old.  They live 3 hours apart and share some twisted kind of co-dependence.  One (grandma) needs someone to beat up on, the other (mum) needs someone to take care of her cats.

She is addicted to shopping, having what I believe to be a clinical affinity for bargain stores, dollar stores, and HSN.  This also means we get tons of SHIT from her...none of which she can afford, and we certainly dont want it.  And she says the most idle-minded, make-you-want-to-kill-yourself crap.  But, somehow, she is lovable in some pathetic and difficult way.

She was fired from her sales job about 18 months ago.  Frankly, given her work ethic we were all shocked she had the job that long.  She is good with her money (or used to be), very frugal, and had saved some.  But she didnt apply herself to getting a new job.  She went on unemployment, cashed out her retirement, and "played" at job hunting.  She took a job in retail, but whined that it hurt her feet.  She taught a community class, but whined that they didnt pay enough.  She started to run out of money, and we all worried.  Then she landed another job.

Meanwhile, Reusker and his sister talked.  He/we were responsible for his dad's side, since they raised him.  She was responsible for their mom (Mum), who raised her.  But, Reusker's sister is pregnant with #3 and poor.  She also lives 1000 miles away from Mum.  And what happens to Grandma?  Well, since Mum was employed again, there was a stay of execution.

Well, this month Mum was told she was going to be laid off.  She asked to be able to quit, so it didnt hurt her resume.  But then she didnt do anything about it...and she was fired.  This might be so she could collect unemployment, I dont know.  And has she spent the last few weeks looking for a job?  Well, sort of.  She decided to apply for a job training in -yes- COMPUTERS!  And she'll just wait and see if they offer her the job.  Done.  Oh, and she'll quit a side job she had.

Great.  But we think she is good at managing her finances.  We worry, but stay silent...just trying to give her moral support. 

Sunday night she calls and says she has $75 left and bills due.  SHIT!!!  She asked us to pay her bills.  What do we do?  We can leave her out on the street!

Sister wants her to move to New England.  She can have free room and board, and it would save Sister $thousands if Mum watched the kids.  Mum wants NOTHING to do with this...she hates New England.  I fear she secretly wants to move in with us (in addition to having us pay her bills).  I put my foot down and refused...I cant do it.

And once we start paying her bills, she will NEVER get her own job.  But we need to get her to a good place.

So, Reusker & Sister are going to put conditions on the money.  She will have to sell her condo to repay us.  She says she'll do it herself (read: it will never get done), she doesnt want to pay a realtor.  But, Reusker is going to have to strong-arm her.  This is going to be ugly, and bring about a lot of victim-whining.  But I think the alternatives are worse.  She's just going to have to move to Sister's, I think.  In order to expedite the condo sales, we are pushing for a fast move.

But what about health insurance?  I'm worried she's going to have a stroke as soon as she gets to Sister's house.  That is WAY more than we can support.  We really cant pay for her health insurance...we desperately need her to get a job.  But with her condo sale, she's likely to live off that as long as possible...then whine for more money from us.  And what do we do about Grandma, being left alone?  She's a 6-hour drive from us, and Reusker is worried we (I) will have to take care of her. 

Its just bad.  I'm sure I'm leaving details out.  And none of this includes our responsibilities to Reusker's dad, my family, and our dear Baby's future!  Everybody wants a piece.  And I see the stress it is causing Reusker..its killing him.  He feels guilty and responsible, and I cant seem to relieve that feeling in him.  He's doing such a great job as provider for our family, that should be enough.  I am doing a pretty good job as Mom to Baby and Wife to Reusker...and that should be enough.  I just want to put a wall around my precious little family and protect them.

Comments

[Lizzy B]

Hmm, being the heartless bitch that I am, I would say don't pay her bills. It's VERY clear from your post that she wants to take advantage of any kindness. If you start subsidising her existence now, she will leech off you forever.

[Meg]

I agree insomuchas that we would be enabling some VERY bad habits...I dont think we would actually be helping her in the long run. She needs to take responsibility. But I'm also not sure its our place to teach/parent her. Then again, if she is asking us to pay her bills......Regardless, my Reusker would never turn his back on her, even though her utter lack of mothering towards him would (in my mind) justify any rejection he gave.

[Jenn]

I have two co-workers AND a friend going through this. They all decided to go the route where they would pay a few of the bills for THIS month but not all of them. That left enough motivation for the family member to get a job. In the past that family member was soaring on the free ride so they had to put an end to it so the person would learn responsibility so to speak. I'm pretty sure "Mum" can get health insurance through the state if she really wanted it. I believe it is Medicaid. I could be wrong as it's been a while since I had to check into that. Gee, now I see the comment Lizzy left and realize it is identical to my point. Oh well. Either way, I wouldn't snub her completely but don't pay all the bills. Just the critical ones for this month only under the condition she finds a job within the month. Heck anyone can work in a gas station so she can't give the excuse of nothing out there. Having something is better than nothing even if it seems like low pay. It is also easier to find a job when you already have one! Okay, I'll shut up now.

[Meg]

she QUIT the retail job she had...she will not take "just any job" (hence my reluctance to help!). I'm so worried we will SAY one month, but Reusker would never cut her off, no matter how many months. But, I neednt worry over that just yet...