I'm down HERE!

Hey! this is cool, too!

And I still dont have to leave my comfy home!  VERY scary...

Link: Mars Exploration: Features.

Yes, I know...I need to get out more.

Fun.

No, this is about ME...and it is a rant.

All disclaimers up front:  Yes, I love my husband.  Yes, he is a VERY good man.  Yes, he has been getting his ass kicked at work.  Yes, he works hard and I am privileged to be (working hard) at home. Yes, I love my son.  Yes, on MY blog I am extremely self-absorbed.

But here's the thing:  my life is pretty much devoted to taking care of these two people while they spend their time on their own pursuits.  Reusker would work even if he didnt have to, he's not the martyr of this situation (*I* am, in case you were wondering).  He gets a maid, gardener, cook, and nanny out of the deal.  His career is skyrocketing, and he could hire a replacement if I wasnt here.  I have no career (by choice) and am screwed without him (yes, we have some protections in place).

But I spend almost every waking hour taking care of my boys.  I go to GREAT lengths to see that their little whims and preferences are met.  I *know* their needs.  Like a typical mom, I have made it a much higher priority than taking care of my own needs (play martyr music here).  And, I have been working on bringing some balance to that situation.

Reusker -rightly so- has been pushing me to do some things for myself.  Right now, any time I get away from Baby takes some organization and planning.  We are the definition of "out of network" -- no family, no referrals for babysitters, no babysitters, no good friends.  I live in a social desert...almost all by myself.  Yes, I've made "friends", yes I get out of the house.  But I'd be lying if I said this was the social life I wanted.  Baby makes it hard enough, but living down here has made it impossible.  I feel like the extravert within me has died...and it is NOT Baby's fault.  So yes, I need to get out of the house more, but little interests me here.  But I chose a furniture-making class, and Reusker committed to taking care of Baby for my precious few hours of Me-Time each week.

So...I love this class.  I have been making plans to construct a play table for Baby (soon to offically be Toddler).  And I need to go get some fancy, expensive wood for the job.  I am anxious about getting the wood.  Part of it is my pathologic perfectionism...fear that I have not made perfect plans, that I wont get exactly the kind, quality, and cut of wood that I need.  Even my instructor scolded me that it was time to leave the drawing board and make the commitment.

The other part of my anxiety is going into the wood store.  As one who has always worked in "male" fields, I have come to (regrettably) expect a certain amount of condescension when the GOBs (good old boys) dont know me.  Normally I counter this with trying to being well-versed in my field (JB, chime in to disagree here!).  Well, I'm clueless in this field, and I am afraid to show them I am just about as stupid as they expect me to be...but it is NOT because I am a woman!  Hell, when I just called about the store hours I got a "how can I help you, sweetheart".  That's southern for "dont trouble your pretty LITTLE mind over such things."

I explained my anxiety to Reusker, who was being supportive and going to the store with me.  He will mind Baby and serve as moral support (read: someone to silently translate my dirty looks, should I need to launch them).  I just want my hand held.  But that's a lot to ask of my husband lately.  Reusker worked over the weekend, he worked late last night.  I have been trying to be cool and supportive, knowing he needed it.  I told him the only thing I cared about was getting this wood before class.  He concentrated on his job, but promised me he'd support me on this...he'd be home at 5pm.

And wouldnt you know...5pm came and went.  6pm came and went.  Then he came home with excuses.  Didnt know it was THAT important to me....yada, yada, yada.  I can guarantee if it was his CEO, he wouldnt be disappointing.  But, its only the thing I have been anxiously anticipating ALL day (that, and a break from a sick, grabby child who has been into EVERYTHING)...why should this one, little thing be important to him, right?

Honestly, I ask for nothing.  Truthfully, I dont *have* to ask for anything...he pays the bills and I do almost all the rest of the work.  But he asks for SO much support from me...why couldnt I just trust that this, one thing would happen?  Its another in a long string of "not making it on Reusker's radar" lately.  I'm BEYOND sick of it.  I moved away from all my family and friends, live in this forsaken culture...to be left alone by him?  To worry that his job is killing him?  It is SO not worth this shit.

It is SO hard.  I know he cant handle another ounce of pressure.  But I've know that for weeks, and I have silently (or not so silently.  let's just say as silently as *I* am capable of being) kept my rejections to myself.  They have been piling up, and I've been the dutiful martyr...err, wiife.  And where in all of this am I allowed to have MY feelings?  When am I allowed to stop taking care of him, and have my own feelings...get some attention for me? 

Frankly, I am old enough to know this is standard for couples in our shoes.  Call it the first years of marriage...or new parents...or the struggling young executive and the wife who stands behind (yes, behind) him.  Whatever.  Rationale thinking tells me to expect this, and be greatful for how truly awesome it all has been.  But fuck that...I'm pissed.  I'm tired.  NOBODY IS TAKING CARE OF ME! 

Its amazing that I sit here and can be SO happy about my wonderful life.  I really have everything I ever dreamed of.  Then I realize things are out of balance, that I am disregarding my own needs.  (I know readers here would never imagine that I put anyone but myself first, but REALITY is different than the BLOGoSPHERE, folks). 

I think I am happier when I ignore my own needs.  It is so much easier, less painful than seeing them lying before me...unmet.  I have a few choices here, before I *really* lose my mind. 

First, I can go on, just concentrating on the good...do my best Pollyanna (and it IS a good one, thank you).  If I'm lucky, I will continue on happily, evermore hoping and needing less out of life.  It will surely take the last flame of passion and enthusiasm out of my life.  I will become the mind-numbingly boring and content suburban housewife.

Second, I can admit that things arent perfect and define what I need.  The problem here is that I really, truly believe it will bring me disappointment.  I have no faith in either myself or my husband putting me first.  I know if I gave this too much thought it would bring about deep depression.  How scary is that?  And it is NOT that care so little for myself...but that I care so much for my son, and Reusker.  I cant seem to put anything before them (yes, martyr).  And clearly I'm on a few one-way streets here.

Third, I can decide my happiness is in my own hands.  Frankly, that brings me to the loneliness I knew all.too.well a few years ago.  But at least then I lived amoung my family and friends...I had community, which is a great thing.  Really, I didnt marry for this.  If I have to take care of everyone else then myself...there are going to be boundaries.  I know Reusker wouldnt mind if I did less at home, but he'd be heartbroken without the emotional support and that other stuff.  And Baby needs another parent if I'm not available, and that doesnt seem likely.  But I can do the minimum and give the rest to me.  I just hate that.  That does seem selfish to me...and I'm doing it all alone.

Really, to me marriage is a partnership.  I really havent felt like I've had partnership lately...its been servitude.  My sane mind tells me this happens from time to time in a relationship.  But, lets be honest here, I have a REALLY high maintenance husband...much more than the man I married.  Sure, I've got this fancy lifestyle as a result, but like I said...it isnt worth it.  I'd much rather have the partnership.  I wonder if it will return.  Some days I fear it wont...and my "urge to flight" kicks in.  With that little bit of free mental energy (yeah, that I should be helping myself with), I am planning my escape.  Really, its no more than how to tell Reusker.  He knows this situation makes me unhappy...but how much?  And how do *I* know how near the breaking point I am?  The other side of me knows I am just being an impatient brat who cant see The Big Picture.  I know I am always fighting commitment, but its all that much harder when nobody else is helping. 

And, yes, Poor Reusker...he's trying.  He's getting beat up on all sides.  This is why I keep biting my tongue and putting myself in knots. 

When do I scream?  When is enough, enough?

And why arent I happy in this little idyllic life? 

And where the hell did I -me-  go?

OK, now I really am driving myself nuts...this is no good.

THIS is my state

Link: Megachurches build a Republican base - Yahoo! News.

We were looking at a "Day School" for baby, and it was at a Methodist Church (no, these arent only Baptists, even if they predominate here).  This particular church has SIX THOUSAND members!

This church was no larger than many, many, many around here...which could truly be called a campus.  They take up large swatches of VERY expensive, prime real estate.  And there are SO many of these churches here.

What I dont understand is how they are populated.  This Methodist church I mention has a membership that is greater than 13% of my town's population!  Sure, its in the larger town next door, but there are HUNDREDS of these large churches around here.  Where are they getting their people?

I have a few theories:

• people are attending multiple churches each week (doubtful, given the commitment they give to their chosen site)
• the "penetration" (% attending) is much, much higher than anywhere else I have ever lived.  Of this, I am sure.
• they are lying about their membership (again, doubtful)
• they are "importing" people...maybe from neighboring towns? Still, I have yet to visit a town here that doesnt have (in my opinion) too many churches...more than enough for its own population.  So what churchless town are these people coming from?

Still, if you can rally these people  ~and they seem to have stereotypically RedStateValues (to the same extent that I am a Typical Yankee)~  it really is a formidable voting block.  I completely disagree with almost all of their political positions as well. But, the family-focus and sense of community they bring is perfect (if the holier-than-thou 'tude is not) for where I am in my life right now.

Chilling...

This story (part 1) and its conclusion were fascinating to me.  Sure, the guy dies (duh)...but what a way to go!  Y'all know I am NO READER, but I actually read all of these long stories.  Ah, its the buried outdoorswoman in me.

Just thinkin...

I was folding up an old Tshirt last night, when I saw how tattered it is across the back.  I never noticed, as I really only ever see the front...and clearly dont fold it that often.

I love this Tshirt...its a regular, gray tshirt with the Bucknell University emblem on the front.  Its just a great basic tshirt, and it reminds me of a really fun summer I spent there doing research during my college years.

I realize that this shirt is fraying over time...the perfect metaphor for my memories of that summer.  I really dont remember much of anything specific.  I have no idea who I worked with or the thesis of my project!  I housesat for my boss (Big John) and I think there was a girl named Maddy and a Dutch boy I joked around with...and we might have studied a corn zeta gene.  I vaguely remember the boy I was obsessed with at the time (it wasnt Derek, but something like that...right?).  I remember playing lots of volleyball and raquetball...very competitive and lots of fun.  I remember that I had lame roommates (one was a teacher), and a dark-haired girl who befriended me, and her crush (the older, Bobby, who taught me raquetball).  Without any specific memories, I know I drank a lot.

It was an awesome summer...I could be whomever I wanted to be...and was.  I was cool and light-hearted, competitive and social...and we all had a kick-ass time.  Now it seems SOOOO long ago...especially as I look through the holes forming in my beloved Bucknell Tshirt!

naked in the back yard

not just anyone can do this in the middle of a crowded subdivision.  I tried, but they asked me to cover up.  HE gets away with it...

oh, and hey MOTHER

if you read this...you deserve what you find! 

I dont want to password protect this site (nobody really reads it anyways, much like Baby's)...and I know it is technically public.  BUT...it is still a LOT like reading your daughter's diary.  And that's no good for anyone.

I know you prefer that I behave with the utmost propriety at all times, but this is my place to vent.  It doesnt have to be rational (and rarely is)...it doesnt have to be fair...it doesnt even have to be nice.  Its just ranting and raving.

I'd rather you didnt read it, but that's your call.

YEAH! (but it turns into yet another family rant!)

We're going to Maine!  We're going to MAINE!  WE are going to MAINE!

so guess whose a little excited?  its just too bad we cant celebrate with a bunch of grandparent visits...they dont care (well, unless we come to their doorsteps) so we dont have the time.

Reusker's mom decided she is not moving to Connecticut.  I bet she squanders the money from the sale of her condo.  She'll pay us back, but it wont be long before she needs more money and is out of assets.  She is putting her mom (who she has been treating VERY badly of late) into a home, and we dont know how that will be paid for...worries.   

Reusker's dad is hitting up all members of the family for money.  Forget that he already owes us $20K.  Reusker worked without a salary for almost 2 yrs.  That's all he asked to be repaid...and that was 3 years ago.  Meanwhile, these parents bought a horse, are putting someone ELSE's child through private school, and take an annual monthlong trip to India!  I feel bad for Reusker's sister who is still impovished paying off her student loans (while she is pregnant with #3).  Its no good.

Meanwhile my dad is useless.  He sent me a letter telling me how he loves writing little stories about his son (my half brother).  He sends me this story, doesnt even ask how ANY of us are doing...not one word or question about us...and expects me to be excited.  Pathetic...rather than rub in my face how much he loves his new family over his old one...why wont he just leave me alone?  GO AWAY!

So, we are very excited to go to maine, but extremely disappointed in our families.  My mother is the only one we are even telling about our trip...the only one we want to see.

When Reusker and I first got married I gave him a hard time about not being closer to his family, that they are our legacy and we theirs.  I was in the midst of several years of really, really working to open the door and repair things with my dad.  I had such optimism.  Worse, I had unrealistic expectations.  I know, I know...those kill.  I try to not to, I cant help it.  Really, there is just the lowest, smallest, most base level of reasonably behavior you should be able to expect from your own blood.  And believe me, I gave significantl y (of heart, time, money, respect, care and love)to all these...I feel it is OK to ask the decency I would give to anyone else.  But, no.

After the last 3 years, I am with Reusker.  Some people simply dont deserve the wonderful things presented to them.  Perhaps they dont want them, I dont know.  Its not for me to decide...and I should try to judge less.  Really, I wish all of them the best.  In the bottom of my heart I want them happy.  But, as Mama Lion, I also have my own family to protect now. And I wont let their bullshit hurt my son, my husband or myself.

I have adopted Reusker's "ok, whatever" policy.  Dont seek them out, they'll find you when they want something.  Be guarded, be non-commital.  Dont hurt, but dont leave yourself vulnerable.  Give the minimum you absolutely have to give, and just try to be polite.

I just PRAY that we dont end up having the same relationship with our kids one day.  I think these situations either teach or repeat.  But I am sure nobody wakes up one morning and decides to be a shitty parent...so beyond constant mindfulness, open heart and commitment...what goes wrong?  I'd love to say neither of us is as selfish or self-absorbed as these people...but c'mon.  Sure, I no longer care about myself (relative to my family), but I'm so hugely selfish and self-absorbed (but I do know it!)...when will that rear its ugly head?  UG, how do I prevent the past from repeating itself? How do we finally make a family that doesnt get splintered? 

and on that note...we are off for a family vacation in a few days...